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Surviving a Break-Up

After Breaking up with someone you have been with for a while, you may experience a large range of different thoughts and feelings. Psychologists have identified several things that can help you cope with a break-up.

Mourning Stage

In many relationships there comes a time when one or both members of the couple realize that they are not happy with the relationship anymore. If you're face to face with such a traumatic event, you basically have two choices: either be miserable because your world has come to an end, or learn to overcome it. It is important to acknowledge that the relationship has come to an end, and there will be a period of sadness and mourning. You must accept that you are in shock and expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing (Hirsh, 2003). Try not to deny that it hurts, but also do not dwell on your misery. It's normal to feel grief and depression for a while. You may find that you are more affected and emotional over the situation than is your partner. If this is the case, remember that if your partner was the initiator of the break up, he or she has had time to justify and rationalize the break up, while you were unaware of the situation (Miracle, Miracle, Baumeister, 2003).

Anger

After time has allowed the break-up to settle in and you to accept it, you may feel anger. It is common to daydream or fantasize about possible situations with your ex, especially ones where your partner is being hurt. You may imagine getting revenge. Don't worry, this is normal and you are not going crazy. Remember, taking your anger out by thinking evil thoughts or fantasies is OK, while acting them out can be very dangerous and have negative long-term consequences (Hirsh, 2003). Be careful about expressing anger towards your partner. Not only will your anger not make your partner nicer and more in love with you, and you are also risking getting hurt even more or feeling embarrassed. Try to think about your actions, the consequences and who you will be hurting in the long run.

Preoccupy yourself

While you will need time to recover from a break-up, realize that this period of heartache will come to an end. It is important to remember that a break-up is also the start of new things for you. You now have certain freedoms that you may not have had while in the relationship. Once the initial period of sorrow is over, it is important to preoccupy yourself with activities you enjoy. Become more involved in your social group and phone friends that you haven't talked to for a while. Going out in social places might seem unappealing, but it is more appealing than staying in your room and feeling sorry for yourself. Of course, it is necessary to have some time with yourself to realize that you can survive and even be happy without the other person. Keep in mind that in order to get through the pain, you have to feel it. Therefore, using drugs and alcohol to numb your brain won't make you feel better in the long run (Hirsh, 2003).

Loneliness

Break-ups often leave a person feeling lonely. Loneliness is the feeling of sadness about being abandoned or alone (Miracle, Miracle, Baumeister, 2003). It is normal to feel lonely so don't be scared or ashamed of it. When you are in a relationship, you spend much of you time with your partner, even doing everyday chores. You develop the habbits of having your partner with you many hours a day, and breaking any habit is difficult, often painful. Also, endorphin levels drop following the loss of love, which enhances sadness even more (Miracle, Miracle, Baumeister, 2003). To decrease your feelings of loneliness, take small steps at learning to be alone. At first, don't spend a lot of time alone. Invite friends to do things with you and keep you company. Try not to spend many nights alone, but go out and visit your friends and family. Spend more time with your parents and siblings. To avoid the feeling of loneliness, it is more beneficial to have a few closer relationships, rather than large numbers of shallow social contacts. Strategies for avoidance such as substance abuse or isolation increase feelings of loneliness (Miracle, Miracle, Baumeister, 2003). But remember that by thinking and worrying about your loneliness you are only increasing your anxiety (Hirsh, 2003). Try to relax and don't forget that this feeling will pass.

Blaming

Try to understand why the relationship failed, but remember not to blame yourself. If your partner wanted to be with you, there would not be one incident or comment that would end the relationship, so don't think about what you could have said or done to save it. If your partner wanted to be with you, you could have worked out your differences in other ways than by breaking up. No one is flawless and your partner definitely had faults as well. Blaming him will also not do you any good, because even if it was his fault, being the victim will only decrease your self-esteem. Thinking about whose fault it was will not make things better. It is a sad truth that you cannot have a relationship with someone who will not have a relationship with you (Hudson, 2002). You will be asking yourself why your partner broke up with you and whether he or she is the right person for you. Remember, the fact that your partner broke up with you, means he or she is not the one for you (Hirsh, 2003).

Learning experience

Try to see the break-up as a learning experience. Look at your behavioral patterns and your role in the relationship. Reexamine your words and actions so you can learn from your mistakes and make your future relationships better. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it and make your future better. Regretting your past actions and attitudes will only make you more depressed, since you can't take things back and redo them. Look at your past relationships and try to learn more about yourself and what you would like to improve about yourself.

Being Single

At first, being single might seem weird or even unappealing, especially when you see other couples together. But being single can be a pleasurable experience. There are many advantages to being solo. It makes life simpler. We all have to deal with problems, but being in a relationship means you have to face your partner's problems as well as your own. If you can live your life based on your schedule, you don't have to compromise with a significant other. Before you can commit to a healthy, long lasting relationship, you need to know yourself better. Being single allows you to focus and take better care of yourself. By spending time alone, you learn more about who you are and what you want- which will make it easier for you to choose a partner who can satisfy your needs. Furthermore, being single gives you a chance to meet someone who is better for you. In your lifetime, you might have few opportunities to be single, so enjoy yourself while you can.

References:

Hirsh, Delphine. The Girl's Guide to Surviving a Break up. Martin's Griffin, NY. 2003.

Hudson, Pat. You Can Get Over Divorce: A 7- Step Guide To Speed the Healing and Get On With the Rest of Your Life. 2002.

Miracle, T., Miracle, A., & Baumeister, R. Human Sexuality. Prentice Hall, NJ, 2003.

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