From sexinfo

Having different levels of sex drive and different feelings toward sex in a relationship can be difficult to deal with, but doesn't have to be a major problem. Open communication and compromise can go a long way when dealing with such difficulties. Here are a few suggestions that may ensure both partners satisfaction and happiness in the relationship:

1. Understand that neither partner is right or wrong. There are some individuals who would like to have sex five times a day and others who would prefer once a month. These different are natural variations in the human condition. It is important to be patient and understanding with your partner and not make him or her feel wrong for wanting more or less sex than you do.

2. Compromise! If one of you wants to have sex every day and the other would prefer once a week, then find a middle ground, such as three times a week. However, this number is to be decided upon by both parties. It is extremely important not to pressure your partner if s/he is the one wanting less sex. Making him or her feel pressured could turn sex into an obligation, making him or her want it even less.

3. Increase the amount of intimate non-sexual activities. Take bubble baths together, kiss for long periods of time, slow dance, and give each other erotic messages. It is important to enjoy these activities for their own intrinsic pleasures and not go into them with the expectation of sex. Instead, enjoy each moment that you spend with your partner and appreciate how much joy and love you bring into each other's lives. This can increase satisfaction for both partners and help remove any anxiety that may be felt about sex.

4. Spend more time having non-coital sex. Kissing, oral sex, dry sex (body rubbing), and mutual masturbation are all good examples. This can help you to find out what your partner likes and increase arousal and satisfaction for both of you. It can also remove the pressure of feeling required to "perform" or reach orgasm. Focusing your full attention go towards pleasing your partner or being pleased by your partner is an incredible way to increase intimacy and become closer in your relationship (see sensate focus).

5. Masturbate! Masturbation is a good practice for both partners. It can relieve sexual tension for the individual who feels that he or she isn't getting enough sex and allow him or her to "get some action" without pressuring his or her partner. Masturbation can also help the partner with the lower sex drive by helping this person to discover what kinds of stimulation he or she likes. Masturbation also helps a person to experience sexual stimulation without any pressure or anxiety. This moment would be just for him or her, alone and in private if so desired.

6. If sexual activities are painful or problematic then more action needs to be taken. For example, if lack of lubrication is a problem then try KY jelly to increase lubrication and pleasure. If sex continues to be painful, then be sure and see your doctor. If sexual activity isn't enjoyable, then it is extremely important to communicate with your partner so you both can find out how to please each other. This may involve learning to appreciate each other's differences. However, it is important to talk about the situation and rule out any other possibilities that may be causing problems.

For more interesting reading, visit the UCSB SexInfo website... go to http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/

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